• 00:37 Nowadays,how to find friend house??Just ask them look in google map,then give u d location,enter into GPS n here u go :D #
• 00:38 @Jeanette00000 hope u able finish yr stuff then :) #
• 21:36 KFC or Mc Donalds?? #

• 07:58 I never like to say excuse me...Sound like execute me. #
• 18:22 So fast is Saturday again...Sunday is coming,must b hot day then,cos it is day belongs to SUN. #

• 06:34 Kind sleepy now...Time to sleep??Bt friend seem wan buy me food...KFC :D #

• 06:33 Always feel good after bath n sleep directly,or lying on the bed n relax :) #
• 18:51 Blackberry push email...It also push all tho rubbish or spam mail to u,no wonder it call push email :( #

• 14:39 @diese Do miss tho days wen Maggi taste like one pile of golden noodle wit soup tat taste like heaven water :P #
• 14:41 Seem sleeping topless is always not good ideal... #
• 21:22 DiGi free modem n mobile internet has arrived,as courier service jus called...Hurray!!:D #
• 21:25 @diese I think good thing abt maggi is,jus one pack of deadly powder inside??other got oil is troublesome :P #
• 21:29 When women fight,they keep saying lies...When man fight,they keep blow cow. #
• 21:30 Power outage again...So tis is 1Malaysia X( #

• 22:15 Sun is so hot,I am melting now,wen too cold is freezing,nw is melting like ice cream :( #
• 05:58 I am kind of super hungry now,wondering where got ne ne...Internet is having pro again. #
• 17:01 Eyes open n close, something we do everyday?? #

• 14:25 Long time no use tis acc,will start make some public tweet soon,prepare for incoming missile :P #
• 14:32 @elson3344 Today I jus saw yr reply tat u sent me 550 days ago...Oh sorry dude bt I am back??:D #
• 14:34 Now I understand why Twitter do not allow my user name as mytwitter,cos so many tweets from public users directed to me wen they @mytwitter #
• 14:35 Sign up for Blackberry data plan today,hopefully it is good...So shame after use BB for years,nw only data plan :x #
• 14:36 Now I understand u cannot remove follower if u public acc except u block them eh?? #
• 14:40 @diese I like sushi too,it is like got dancer on top of food. #
• 14:54 My stomach got sound again,mus b tho air is inside after wake up from sleep...Where is my milk milk :P #
• 15:02 "Wash your butt n go to jail"Did they really help u wash butt before let u in??eh??papa??mama?? #
• 15:07 Some of the followers I don't even knw who they r,bt is ok,jus follow n "smell" me :D #

You know those days when nothing seems to go right? When everything you touch falls apart in your grasp and the task of just dragging yourself out of bed seems insurmountable?

Well, that day has stretched into weeks for me. I'm increasingly worried that the combination of my inability to handle everything that I'm dealing with right now and the impending doom of the holiday season will be the breaking point for my mind.

I don't sleep above 4 hours a night and when I do, it's restless and fitful, full of dreams that leave me grinding my teeth away to nothing or waking up with tears on my cheeks. I'm not typically manic and depressed at the same time, but these strange bursts of energy, the inability to sleep, and the occasional bursts of inspiration coupled with the desire to do nothing but sleep, the increasing desire to never see another human face again, and the mental and emotional darkness that presses in on me at every waking moment would beg to differ. Maybe I'm just cycling more rapidly than I ever have in my life.

Work is tearing me apart mentally and physically. I've been constantly sick for almost 3 months now. It's been weeks since I've had any energy to do anything but drag myself to work in the morning and drag myself home at night. I've worked almost 200 hours this month and it feels like I'll still never catch up on all of my backlog. My supervisor doesn't help with anything and actually gives me more work on an almost daily basis.

The loneliness eats at me, but there's nothing I can do to fix it anymore. I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to make new friends or meet new people and all of the old ones no longer have time for me. I understand, really, that this is what happens when all of your friends have lives and families of their own and you're still stuck in the land of single people. But again, I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to change that aspect of my life. Besides, I can't handle more heartbreak than I've already endured this year. The surest way to escape a relationship with your heart intact is to never pursue one in the first place. Even casual relationships just bring to light how meaningless everything is. Besides, eventually the other person always finds someone better and I'm left hanging again...my heart may not be broken, but my pride is definitely wounded.

I've finally realized that there's a reason I've never been the kind of girl that guys are interested in dating. I'm great at being the friend, but horrible at being the girlfriend. When I was younger, I always thought it was because I'm not super gorgeous and I'm incredibly fat. But I finally understand that the fact that I'm so undesirable is not related to my looks (don't get me wrong, there are still a LARGE number of men whose only reasons for not being interested in me are the fact that I'm not pretty or not thin)...it's just me. No matter how much weight I lose or how much makeup I buy, there is nothing that will change the fact that I'm just not relationship material. I'm not going to say it doesn't hurt, but I'm tired of trying to change who I am. I'm tired of being constantly disappointed when I fail in the attempts to change.

I don't need a man to love to make my life complete. Eventually, if I ever manage to get settled and on track, I'll find something or someone else to love. I'm very seriously considering foster care in the future. There are plenty of children out there who need someone to love them and take care of them. Maybe if I was able to make a difference somewhere, I'd feel like my life held some meaning.

Living alone has been a huge struggle. I still spend a lot of time with my family and help them out financially as much as I can, but there's no one depending on me every day. I'm not a necessary part of anything.

Work is the only place I can make myself feel needed. I don't fool myself into thinking I'm appreciated...although I know a few of my coworkers appreciate the help I give them. I take on as much work as possible so I don't have any down time to think about anything outside of work. I work from 7:00AM until 5:00 or 6:00PM and any Saturday that they'll allow us to work. When people are out sick, I take care of their work. I resent the fact that work is my life and it's slowly killing me. I invest too much of myself, but there's no other outlet. I leave the building exhausted every day and I show up still exhausted the next morning. The cycle is endless.

I would really love to leave this state and move away. Someplace where I could start fresh, where no one knows me and I get to make my own name instead of living in the shadows of everyone else who's gone before. But the reality is that even a life-changing move wouldn't change me at the core. Even the anonymity of being in a place where no one knows my name wouldn't make me a better person. I would fall into the same rut no matter where I ended up. The reality is that it's hopeless. I live a meaningless, unfulfilled existence that won't end soon enough to stop the agony of survival. The reality is that I'll never change. I will forever stand on the outside, pulling just enough happiness from the lives of those around me to trudge through one more day. I'll keep smiling that fake smile and pretending that everything is fine just because I know that very few care and those that do aren't prepared to handle the depth of my sickness.

Now the holidays are upon us and I'll end up stuck in limbo again. I'm not considered an adult because I don't have a spouse or children, but my one unmarried relative who's close to my age is on my dad's side of the family and I probably won't see them much, if at all. I'll endure the ceaseless torture of hearing about how everyone older than I was married with children at my age. Then comes the inevitable, "you'll find someone eventually, I'm sure." I just want to scream at them all. What if I don't? Does the fact that I'm not capable of being in a relationship or getting knocked up negate my adulthood? Does the fact that some people were irresponsible sexually and ended up pregnant count for more than the fact that I've supported myself financially and educationally since I was 16?!?! I just want to drop the bipolar thing on them all one day and watch them react. No one wants to be with someone who has no control over his or her mental health. I'm a great person to be around...sometimes. There's not a man left in this world who would willingly pick me over any other woman once he knew what was wrong with me. I don't think I could ask anyone to do that. Especially if I cared for them at all.

The most dangerous times are the in-between periods when I start to feel normal. I start to fool myself into thinking that there's hope, that I could be in a relationship and not completely ruin the other person's life. Those periods always lead to even darker periods of depression than normal. Periods where I can feel the world collapsing on top of me and I can't even bring myself to resist the darkness. The only light at the end of the tunnel is being able to see the people I care about happy. Even though I know that things can never change for me, if I can see the people I care about doing well and finding happiness, I can survive. There have been times when only the thought of what my death would do to my sisters has kept me breathing.

It kills me to think of causing pain to someone I love. Which is yet another reason that I could never handle a relationship. I've been on the other side of the fence when it comes to loving a bipolar person; I know the inadvertent pain they can cause just because they're sick. The thought of doing that to someone else is enough to drive me into seclusion.

In a way, it's very poetic. When I get manic, I want to spend time with people and be social. Since no one ever has time to spend with me, I get depressed which just carries through until I actually hit the depressed part of the cycle again. So, despite the fact that I'm technically cycling through, I'm really just stuck in the same depression over and over and over again.

Please don't feel sorry for me, that's probably the worst thing you could possibly do. Instead, tell me about what's good in your life. That little bit of happiness just might be enough for me to survive another day of darkness.

This is the way my little unit works:

We are the food stamps only unit, which means that we only handle cases that are food stamps only. If you apply for (and are granted) any other form of public assistance handled within this department, your case gets transferred out of the unit.

There are 2 types of food stamps cases: Reporting and Non-Reporting. Basically, a reporting case is any household that has a place to live (whether or not they have income). With few exceptions, Non-Reporting cases are homeless. Reporting cases receive a Quarterly Report in the mail every 3 months to complete and turn in to their worker regarding any changes that may have taken place in the past 3 months or any changes they expect to take place in the upcoming quarter. Non-Reporting cases are required to report any changes within 10 days.

Still with me?

When I first started in the FSO (Food Stamp Only) unit, about a year ago, there were 7 workers carrying caseloads of about 300-350 cases each. Each caseload was a mixture of Reporting and Non-Reporting cases. Then, for some reason, someone who is definitely NOT a worker decided that life would be easier (I'm not sure for whom) if we separated the Reporting and Non-Reporting cases into separate caseloads. So 2 workers were chosen to handle all of the Non-Reporting cases (approximately 2000 at the time) and the rest of the unit continued to handle only the Reporting cases. Since all the cases were still part of the same unit, it was easy to back one another up if someone was out sick.

THEN, someone who probably hasn't been a worker in several HUNDRED years decided that the Non-Reporting caseloads needed to be moved to the unit that handles the Aged and Disabled cases. They enlisted the maintenance staff to cart the cabinets and cases (by now over 3000 for both caseloads) to a different part of the building, and they put the 2 Non-Reporting workers on different caseload numbers, so no one in the FSO unit (except for the supervisor) has access to the cases.

The FSO unit was outraged. One of the Non-Reporting workers was going out on maternity leave and there was no one available to cover her caseload. The FSO unit could have covered the caseload had it been left as part of our unit, but now it's sitting in another part of the building while the work piles up and the clients' needs aren't being met.

We were ASSURED by supervisory and management staff that since we no longer had access to the Non-Reporting cases, the FSO unit would not be responsible for covering the Non-Reporting caseloads if those workers were out of the office or in training. We were told REPEATEDLY that they understand that we're swamped with work of our own (our Reporting caseloads are averaging about 520 these days...have I mentioned that the recommended caseload size for FSO is 250-275?). We're each looking at close to 200 Quarterly Reports each month, plus we have our own renewals, job searches, applications, and other miscellaneous work that needs to be done.

Today, we get an email telling us that we're going to have to back up the Non-Reporting caseloads and just to transfer the cases to our own caseloads so that we can access and work them.

Now, I know that the county is chock full of lying snakes in the grass with nothing better to do than to make employees' lives miserable. However, I am increasingly appalled at the ability of the managerial staff here to outright lie on such a regular basis.

I'm just done. I don't sleep because I'm either dreaming about this place and all of the work I'll never get caught up on because we keep getting swamped with other peoples' work or I'm grinding my teeth away to nothing. My hair is falling out so quickly, I expect I'll end up bald if I continue to work here in the coming few years. I'm constantly sick because I'm so stressed out.

My cubicle is a mess and it makes me hyperventilate just to look at it most days. I start feeling panicked and nauseated every time I walk through the door. I'm going to be forced into working more hours than I'm getting paid for just to make sure all of my clients get what the need. Nevermind actually keeping up on things like filing or reviewing my new cases. I just don't have time anymore.

I tried to get my doctor to at least give me something to help me sleep...but she wouldn't do it. The crazy witch wouldn't even prescribe me allergy medication when I told her I couldn't afford to keep buying OTC meds. So I stopped taking allergy meds because I can't afford them...I'm hoping they get better this winter. We'll see how that goes.

On top of all of that, I get to deal with the fun loneliness that likes to terrorize me. I have no single friends. All of my friends are way too busy with their lives to spend time with me (which is completely understandable, don't get me wrong, but it still doesn't make me feel any better).

I was texting a friend last night and I really surprised myself when I realized during the course of the conversation that I've completely given up on even attempting to meet anyone of the opposite sex. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind in almost a month. I think that's why work is going to kill me...because I have nothing else. Sure, there's the occasional volunteer day or once again throwing money at my parents when they need it. I even left work early on Tuesday to pick my sisters up from school because my parents were out of town at my great uncle's funeral. But I just don't feel needed anywhere but at work.

Yes, I know I'm a sick sort of freak whose life doesn't have meaning unless I have someone or something relying on me. The fact that I'm a selfish POS has been drilled into my head for too many years for me to be okay with just lying around and taking care of myself. If I'm not doing something for someone else, I feel guilty. When I feel guilty, I start to get depressed.

I also talked to my doctor about my anxiety and depression. To which she replied "stress less." Seriously. No options, not even "here's some drugs." I pretty much wasted my co-pay that afternoon because she was absolutely no help whatsoever.

It does make me feel a little better to hear about other peoples' lives going well. It makes me happy whenever a friend happens to mention that a new (or old) relationship is going well...or something hilarious that their kids and/or significant other happened to do or say. It's nice to know that, even if my life feels like it's going down the toilet, the people I care about are doing well.